I think I’ve gotten to a point where I locked up my heart so tight, that I can’t even reach it anymore. I’m working on becoming more open to what life is giving me, such as relationships, experiences, the highs and lows, successes and failures, the good and the bad. In avoiding the bad, I realize that I also, unintentionally, avoid the good.
I’m so afraid to be crushed, that I miss out on the good that comes from being rebuilt. I have realized that it is so hard for me to allow myself to be open. I don’t like to have my heart too open, because I have been hurt from various different reasons and experiences and I just don’t want it to happen again.
But, in all those lessons, I realize that I haven’t been open to much in a long time. Now, in my realization of that, I want to open my heart up again, and it’s hard. In fact, it’s much harder than I imagined. In trying to not get my heart broken by the world, I realize that I’ve broken my own heart many times.
I’ve broken my own heart.
I never imagined that I would be my own worse enemy at this moment in my life, but I have been. I am the only one who has been damaging my heart lately by not opening it up and letting life in. I often wonder how many times I’ve missed out on so much love and light because I was afraid that whatever I was reaching for wouldn’t turn out the way that I wanted it to. I can’t imagine how many times I wanted to get up and start a new project and didn’t because I was sure it wouldn’t be amazing. There are so many relationships that I may have ended before they began because I was sure that they wouldn’t bring me any real joy. There are times when I didn’t allow myself a chance at greatness because I didn’t believe that I could do it or that I would be worthy of the success that could come with it. There is so much that I’ve missed out on.
It’s so hard to be vulnerable and to allow yourself to venture out in deep waters when you don’t know what’s in the water. Now, I am finding it difficult to dig through all the muck that I have allowed my heart to gather up. I want to be open, but now it won’t be simple. I locked my heart up and now I have to find the key.
I have to rebuild what I have allowed to be broken. I am the only one who can revive my heart.
It’s true self awareness to realize that most of the things that you have been doing to protect yourself have actually been more of a hindrance to your life. Now that I know, it’s time to put in the work.
Open up my heart and take risks. Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t be afraid to fall.
Jasmine Nicole 