Jasmine Nicole

When I was in high school, with the greatest passion, I would sing “Almost Lover” by A Fine Frenzy, which in a nutshell, is a song about the heartache that a person is left with when an almost lover leaves the singer and the pain that comes with dealing with those memories. Even though they aren’t together fully, it still caused heartache. Being thrust into the dating world has opened up that pain for me and I feel that song deep in my spirit.

Dating comes with its own set of struggles and pains. For example, the pain that comes from when you’re dating and you finally find someone that you vibe with. You talk to them from sunrise to sunset, you’re going on dates and having deep conversations and everything is going great. An almost lover, like the song says. You both express that you like each other, so it’s clear how you feel to the other person and vice versa. You feel that maybe a relationship will be the next step. That ‘let’s be exclusive ‘ talk where things become official and you can really start to settle into the person.

But right before that talk happens, the texts slow down. The notifications stop coming, the conversations maybe dry up, the dates stop being planned and all of a sudden you don’t exist anymore. You maybe even get ghosted. It’s the weirdest feeling ever because logically you think, why am I upset? We were never exclusive, yet emotionally you know that your heart was starting to warm up and open up to that person in a real way. The initial infatuation period was starting to fade, and you found yourself really starting to see the person. But then it all comes to a sudden halt. It’s pretty jolting and all you can do is deal with it. I mean, can you even be mad at a ‘breakup’ from an almost lover?

You feel strange bringing it up and questioning that person because, again, you weren’t exclusive so it’s not like they had an obligation to keep talking to you, but where does that connection go? All the deep conversations and fun dates, all of that just doesn’t mean anything anymore? And if they ghost you, you have nothing to go on except your own imagination of what could have happened. It was all going so good, so what happened? Did I imagine that the other person was really interested because I was so blinded by my own infatuation? Was I just a placeholder for someone else to come along, or maybe for someone who they were waiting to come back? Maybe I’m just an emotional person, but that pain is sometimes hard to deal with. It’s a blow to the ego as yet another potential mate leaves me hanging to pick up the pieces of a failed almost relationship. The anxiety in me immediately says that it was all me, they just didn’t want me and they probably found someone better. I try to go back and think of all the things that I may have done that could have made the person leave, but nothing can ease the rejection.

In my mind, I know that they aren’t coming back, but there’s always those first few weeks that I just imagine that one day a text, a Facebook message, a DM, will come through and maybe things can be rebuilt. Once those moments, those days, a couple of weeks, pass, you move on. When it really settles in that it’s over, you have to pick up and start again. Date again, swipe right again, and hope again. So when this happens, I do just that. I clean my slate and I start over. I unfriend, I delete numbers, messages, and erase them from my life. I detox. I regroup and begin to move on. I don’t hold grudges, but I don’t hold on to people and things that no longer hold weight in my life. Why keep things that remind me of someone that I wanted, but maybe didn’t want me? If you’re brave, you get back out into the dating world and prepare to take that risk again in hopes to find love. If someone wants you, they’ll take that next step with you and make things happen.